Friday was fairly happy as well. But today, it's quarter to 11 and I just woke up an hour ago. I'm currently relaxing in my bed with an oversized sweater and yoga pants, covered with my favorite polyester (super fucking soft polyester) purple blanket. Coffee to my right, Nox to my left. I moved him recently, to my bed. Since Amber returned, she has taken the stool that was beside my bed to use as a stepping stool to climb onto her bunk. Which is fair, seeing as that is what I used when I was in the top bunk. But that was in fact where Nox stayed. When she took the stool, he had to go sit on the table. He didn't like that, so I moved my mattress down on the frame of the bed and put Nox un beside my pillows. This wont be a problem, since I don't move much in my sleep. As long as I don't thoughtlessly throw my pillow over (while I'm awake), he'll be fine. He, so far, loves it. He stays up by the surface of the water while I'm in bed, and then once I turn the lights off and turn the music down and curl up to sleep, he drifts down to his rocks, where he nestles for his sleep. And of course, if I'm staying up too late, watching TV or chatting online, he starts to tap on the glass, until I put my things away and go to sleep. He will not, however, nestle in his rocks, until I've turn the lights off and laid down myself. What a lovely fish, right? Of course, look, I've written a whole paragraph about my fish. Who does that? Apparently, I do. Who sees such a personality and mammal behaviors in a fish? Apparently, I do. Ha.
I'm typing all of this because really my fingers have been dying to type nonstop and since my writer's block has been beyond terrible these past months, I am near insanity.
It's been a almost a full week since Amber moved back in. I have been fairly close to having daily mental breakdowns due to this, but with the help of my amazingly supportive father, interesting friend Jonesy, and cigarettes, I'm pulling through. The cigarettes aren't going to last, I'm already tiring of them. Also, I'd rather not have something Amber can hold over my head - She knows I smoke now, and thinks that telling my mother is a huge thing she can blackmail me with. Well, I'd like my mom not to know, simply because she's upset with me enough right now and cigarettes are not going to be a part of the equation soon anyways, but really, the fact that Amber thinks it's her business to tell my mother or anyone else just really pisses me off. She's already tried causing problems between Robin and I, which of course didn't work because Robin and I are very close, but still the intent was clear. She tried fucking my ex.
Yes, ex, speaking of which, I have been getting quite a few proposals of different sorts from Jesse of late. A few of them have in fact been marriage proposals, others things like leaving school now and living with him and his roommates. He says, he'll take care of everything. He says, he feels empty without me. He says he's sorry, everything is his fault. He asks, "will you be my girl when you get back?" I don't know what to tell him. I honestly don't. Because my feelings towards him haven't changed. My heart is still wanting to be his. But more than that, I know that he is bad news. He can't communicate, he is really quite immature, and he has already torn up my feelings several times! I've never had a man make me cry as much as he has. Maybe that's because I care so much? Maybe that in addition to the fact that he is a total jerk. Like really, there's no other way to say it. He's just a jerk. But I can't get over him, and he is finding it necessary to continually talk to me. This morning I awoke to a text saying something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I miss you Abby. I want to wake up to a text from you :(" and of course, what do I do? Reply with, "Good morning Jesse :)" ... How he has treated me, everything that has happened, and I'm going to make sure that he wakes up to a text that will make him fucking smile. Fuck me, dude. I am so stupid. And way too nice!!
And then at the same time, I am playing around with three - yes, three - other guys' emotions. So, I take back that last bit. I'm really not that nice. I mean, I've made no commitments to anyone, and I've made it quite clear to one of them that I'm going to end bad for him, and to the other I've for the most part made it known that our friendship will remain strictly platonic... But the other. The other.. I think I'm terrible. Because I actually care about this one and I think he might actually care about me too, and part of me really wants something to happen (once I graduate MM, at least).. But part of me doesn't. Because part of me still wants Jesse. And part of me hates Jesse and wants to total have this other guy. And part of me says, don't even start anything with this other guy until you are 110% over Jesse, that is not fair for anyone! But I am me, and as much as I may say I'm an alien, I do in fact have many human-like qualities. So. That's that.
School. So. School. Well. I have started my last quarter here. My schedule goes as follows:
7-8: Breakfast!
8-10: Training W/ Mary Lew. Current training horse, Sassy.
10:15-12: Horse Health W/ Nancy. Totally stupid class.
12-1: Lunch!
1-3: Leather working W/ Max. Love this class (& instructor!)
3-4:30: Free time; responsibility block. Current horse, Heathen.
5-6: Training W/ Mikki. Current training horse, Robin.
6-7: Feed Class. Barn Manager, Becka. Number of crazy horses to deal with? about 18.
7-7:30: Dinner!
Just like that, for the next three months. But of course, the horses will change. Spring break is in two weeks. I won't be going home for break, but I might end up going to Florida to visit my Uncle. We shall see. Also, my birthday is in them middle of spring break. I'll be 19! My 18th year of life is almost complete. Damn.
I want new music. More new music. Always always more.
Becka just got here and is insisting that I get up so we can go to the mall. We will go with Ainsley. If Amber tries to invite herself, she can go fuck herself. 'Cause it ain't happening. She isn't going near my car. After deliberation, I've decided that no it is not OK for her to try to fuck Jesse or fuck up my relationship with Robin. So, Yeah.
